***edited to add….I found this post 8 months later and inserted it in chronological order***
I’m nearing a milestone. In 3 days I’ll be at the end of my first chemo regimen. 6 months. I remember the first 2 treatments... Pfft. I got this. This is easy. October will be here in no time. I‘ve got this.
Right before #4 the oncologist told me October may not come as quickly as I hoped. He was not kidding. My chemo infiltrated outside of the vein this round. 2 months later my veins are hard, I’ve got nerve pain over the top of my hand, the ‘hardness’ seems to be spreading still. I can feel the poison in a central location. It’s no wonder my body and mind are in the state they are based on how this little area of my hand feels.
I saw my oncology psychologist yesterday. I struggle with thinking my cancer isn’t ‘as bad’ as other people‘s so I shouldn’t feel as beat down, vulnerable, exhausted and sick as I do. She asked what my benchmark is for ‘bad’? Good question. Pancreatic cancer. I’m my mind that one’s bad. Poor prognosis. ‘So you don’t think yours is as bad because you have a better prognosis?’ Is my mind that off to think this way? I don’t know. And why am I comparing myself to other people. ~story of my life~
I‘ve continued to work full time as a flight nurse over the last 5 months. Just 4 weeks ago I asked to reduce from three shifts to two shifts a week. My body is worn. I don’t have near the stamina I used to ‘pre cancer diagnosis.’
I have the work ethic of a 85 year old farmer that still gets up at 4 am to do chores every day. I have always prided myself on my ability to be incredibly independent. Life challenge? Bring it on. Love challenges and crushing them. Problems in life? I’ve had my fair share. Struggled, but persevered and overcame, and felt empowered.
Cancer has rocked me. My work ethic, my independence, crushing challenges persevering and overcoming hasn’t happened yet. The struggle is ongoing. I’m maybe at 20% of my normal strength. I’ve never reached out to more than my parents for help in life. I have people bringing me meals 2-3 times a week (I thank God for the support system I have). I am sick/nauseated most days now. Things that I have loved doing in life now give me anxiety daily. My sleep is crap. My attitude is crap. My white flag is spring loaded and ready to get flown.
I learned yesterday I have a new found love for the word *and*. The psychologist told me: you can be a bad ass, have a strong work ethic, be independent AND still have a need to take time off. Today this seems so simplistic but when you’re in the whirlwind of a daily battle, you miss the simple solutions. I missed it. Within 30 minutes of her saying that one sentence to me, I called in for the rest of this week. I didn’t feel guilty. That’s huge for me. But I can also see how thin I’ve spread myself. 95% of my energy is put into functioning (in front of others) completely normal. I needed that *and* to give myself permission to take a time out.
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