This is a common phrase used by nurses when someone is nearing death or incredibly sick. And, yes, nurses have a terrible, raunchy, inappropriate, "don't say that in public" type humor. My body actually feels fine. My brain feels the centrifugal force of the drain pulling it down hard and fast.
April 26, 2021
CT of neck is completed to determine what the "Bobber" is. The technological advancements of the 21st century allow us to have our medical record at our fingertips online. I had the pleasure of reading the CT results at home, by myself. Yes, that was my stoic faced sarcasm that I show in real life: this was bizarre that I'm reading this report to myself at home. I've enough medical knowledge to know the results are not normal, at all. So now I wait for 1) the doctor to see the results 2) the doctor to call me to tell me how we will be proceeding. This will become a game that I don't like playing.
She called back and stated matter of factly, but with a sense of urgency, "Well, we knew we would find something. So we'll get you scheduled for a biopsy ASAP. My nurse will call you with the time." The nurse called back. It's scheduled for 10 days from now. WHAATT? I'm about ready to lose my marbles. Lie. I did lose my marbles. I am the kind of person that takes things by the horns and gets shit done. I don't wait around for things to happen. Sometimes the bull, the china shop describe me when I go after something I want. I know people. I have connections. I have plenty of strings to pull when needed. You're out of your own league now sister. There's nothing you can do with this one. I refuse to believe this. I find a number for Interventional Radiology, the place that will be doing the biopsy. I speak to a nice nurse. I explain I am scheduled for a biopsy next Friday, but I really am hoping...if I could show tears dripping onto the screen now, that's the direction the phone conversation was going. I'm really hoping I can get in sooner. I have 2 large lumps. I'm scared. She kindly tells me they are booked for this Friday, but if they have any cancellations she will call me. When would someone ever cancel a biopsy appointment? Never, unless they die before they get to it. Ok, that's a bit dramatic, but my life is getting turned upside down right now.
I was standing in my bathroom looking in the mirror. WTF is happening to me? I still have a chunk of my brain that thinks I'm invinsible. A big chunk actually. Seems odd to me that I can feel the Bobber, which actually measures smaller than one in my chest that I didn't know I had, nor can I feel. I lift my arms up, see if anything looks weird. Nope. Wait. My left pit. Weird looking? No. Well, maybe a super slight bulge?? I go ham in there digging around. AYFKM? I seriously feel something that feels like a baseball. No you do not. My God you are going to drive yourself bat shit crazy. I swear I feel a lump. It's a muscle. Feel your other pit. You don't have anything in your arm pit. Settle down. Feel right arm pit. Feels not the same as left. You have got to be kidding me. This feel, realize what I"m feeling, talk myself out of it, went on for, yes, 9 more days. My pit is actually sore from me checking it every time I'm in the shower.
I messaged my doctor, "Just so you know, I think I found another one in my arm pit." She calls me, I can sense angst in her voice. She knows this is not sitting well with me. The new found lump. Waiting for a biopsy. "I got your message about the other lump, I will ask the radiologist to ultrasound it while he's doing the biopsy." Here we go again, more stuff out of my control.
I guess on the bright side, while waiting 10 days for the procedure, the Bobber and the pit lump thankfully went to the back of my head. Physically I feel fine. Well. I have noticed lately that coming up from my basement steps I seem winded. Not completely out of breath, but man my heart rate seems like it's bounding fast after doing that. Come to think of it, I've noticed on my Apple watch my baseline heart rate seems to be higher lately. Ugh. It's working night shift. I've gotten lazy, I'm not walking the miles like I used to, I'm just getting more out of shape. I'll work on that. Ha!
May 7, 2021
Arrive at Nebraska Medicine at 6:00 am. I work nights. I don't get up at 5 am. I'm NPO (Nothing to eat or drink) Bill took me. He's such a great guy. He refrained from getting a coffee knowing I couldn't have one. Got up to the Interventional Radiology department. IV started. Lab drawn Phone notification. You have new test results available. Lovely. My newly reported anemia from my doctor's apppointment has gotten worse in the last 10 days. My hemeglobin was 11. Today it's 10.2. What in the world is going on with me? I've never been anemic?
I hear patients, staff and doctors talking outside my curtain'd off room. I hear one doctor ask, "Which side do you want your port on?" Lady answers she doesn't care. "Do you drive? People that still drive tend to not like it on their left side (of the chest) because the seat belt rubs on it." I don't hear the rest of the conversation because I'm secretly making/not making a mental note of this information I just received.
The interventional radiologist came to see me. He was very thorough in explaining numbing the area, getting a few cored out pieces from the node, medicine I’d be getting for pain/twilight sleep, the actual procedure will take 5 minutes, etc. He said it was very simple. I'm all about simple. Please let this be simple. I went back to the cold room. Holy ow. Why does lidocaine hurt so flippin bad. I'm guessing because I'm also on super heightened self awareness of everything that is going on in my life. He gets the ultrasound and checks out the Bobber. I asked if he knew about my armpit. Yes. He moved the wand into my pit. I'm far from a sheepish sounding person normally, but man, those words came out wimpy: Is there one there too? "Yes, it looks just like the one I will be getting the biopsy from." OMG I have the big baseball lump. It was real. Holy shit. Just breathe. Just get through this procedure. I heard him say he got 4 good specimens. "Put 2 of them in the pink stuff." It's so weird the things your brain hears in different circumstances. I have no idea what pink stuff is or why 2 had to go in there. But they did. Back to my curtain area. I text my boss. This is totally a Fentanyl/Versed move. I just had a biopsy that only a handful of my closest people know about, but I'll rando text her about, so hey, yeah...lump, biopsy...Thankfully the nurse came in and had paperwork for me so I could go home. I want to go home. I don't like this. I don't like any of this at all.
Guess what? It's Friday. No test results over the weekend. The doctor said middle of next week. Let's go back to that awful game of waiting. What is going on in my life? I feel like I'm almost having an out of body experience. Ok, not to that extent. But this seems so surreal. I feel fine. There can't be anything THAT super wrong. You have 2 huge lumps. There's something wrong. Cue crying.