I definitely missed the red flags of symptoms of cancer, because, I didn't have any. This new poison just dropped into my life when everything was, definitely cliche, going fabulous: dream job, paying off debt, remodeling my house, the coolest friends, awesome boyfriend…basically my life was stellar. April 24, 2021
I'm a 48 year old mom, a pediatric flight nurse, a stand up comedian (no I'm not, but I think I am) and I live in Omaha, NE. I'm a very chill, potty mouthed, independent and stubborn as they come, Lutheran, lawn snob, woman. I love to write, (not a professional writer by any means) and I want to document a crazy new life after being diagnosed with cancer. Sharing life experiences is my jam. So...Here's my story about me having cancer. Barf. That is a stupid word. (And mom I’m sorry, I talk like you should’ve used the soap in my mouth a whole lot more often).
I'm super new to this "cancer" life. I wanted to get started quickly on writing about this so I didn't forget any part of my experience. I'm in the trenches of the unknown, zero answers currently and with my sudden shitty luck, I have a blown out knee to go with all this, requires surgery, can’t have surgery. AYFKM? (Are You Fucking Kidding Me) Let’s get on with this crap.
Going to the beginning, it's about 6 months ago. I noticed in the mirror I had a "fat pad" on the left side of my neck, like in the "triangle" bony area of the collarbone. Soft and squishy fat. I've always struggled with body image, so this new discovery actually semi pissed me off. "New" fat in a new location. I literally said out loud, "Nice, Robyn, you're getting older and accumulating fat in your neck." Superlative eye roll added in. Over the next few months, I'd touch it, reminding myself of being a fat ass. (No this isn't going to be a low self esteem story, just bear with all my emotions for now :) Skip to a month ago, about 5 months after discovering my squishy spot. I was sitting in our office at work, and I touched the pad. Whoa. Something was different. That little squish was now a big squish, now more like a puffy pouch. I showed my nurse pal Brandee. She commented, "You better go get that checked out." Maybe it's not fat.
I got an appointment, shockingly, the next afternoon. My doctor agreed, needs to be looked at further. She ordered a CT scan of my neck. It's Friday afternoon and it's scheduled for Monday. Fabulous. I get to stew over this for the weekend. The more I felt it, the more I got to know it. And, I found, "The Bobber." The Bobber felt a titch bigger than a grape. Like a large marble. It was spherical, rubbery, and moved around a lot, but just in the little space of my clavicle. Oh yeah, and I freaked TF (the fuck) out. Brain: it's cancer. No it's not, settle down. WTF is it then? It's probably nothing but a cyst and you're making a mountian out of a mole hill. I'm gonna die. SHUT UP. So much mental angst.
Monday arrived and the CT was done. Now more time to wait. I have the ongoing internal battle of what this could be. Googling the shit out of "lump by neck," "supraclavicular node enlargement," "large lymph node," and minimally 38 more phrases similar to this. In the meantime, the palpation of my neck has found more squishyness from my clavicle into my chest. Slight edema (swelling) with a defined line, to mid chest. The Bobber remains. Waiting for results.
Tuesday: results confirm a 2.5cm x 1.5 cm lymph node in my supraclavicular area. A partial 2cm x4cm one is seen in my chest. Holy fuck. What is going on. (Normal lymph nodes are pea sized). My MD is calling me back to schedule a biopsy. It's scheduled for...next Friday. AYFKM? 10 days? I might die before then! I'm going to go insane! Actually since it was scheduled an eternity away, I actually semi forgot about it. Bring it on.
Maneuvering my head and neck to make the bulge more obvious
Really trying to accentuate it
Looking at me normally. Definitely not obvious
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