May 23, 2021
The last 12 days I’ve encountered have been the worst 12 consecutive days of my life. I’ve never felt this consumed by something every minute of every day. I’ve never felt so lost in the unknown of life expectations or outcomes. Each day seems to have worse news than the day before, and I thought yesterday’s news was too much to process. I have cancer. I haven’t been able to say those words out loud yet. “I have lymphoma. It’s a form of non-Hodgkin lymphoma.” That’s my usable verbiage.
I have cried. Wow, have I cried. Fear. Sadness. Uncertainty. Afraid. Unknown. Anxious. Scared. On edge, so on edge.
I like to be in control of 99.9% of my life. I feel like I have lost every ounce of control in me. If there is anything that fits the mold of ‘life changes in the blink of an eye,’ mine has changed and it’s spinning downward, out of control at a trampling pace. Physically and mentally I’m being run over.
I have got to get some control in my life. God help me.
I have only ever known myself as a believer in God. I was raised Lutheran. My family went to church every Sunday. I went to parochial school through high school. I’ve raised my kids to be close with God. Role modeling praying in any circumstance has always been a priority to teach my kids. Need wisdom? Pray. Are you thankful for what you have? Pray and give thanks. Done wrong? Pray and ask for forgiveness and to make the wrong right. Feel alone? Pray to God to be with me. My faith has seen me through 2 divorces, family strife, job loss, deathly ill children…I could repeat the same things others have all dealt with too. We’ve all had to work through the muck of life to stand where we are today.
Two weeks of this new cancer life combined with the 48 years of prayers, faith, Bible passages memorized led me to the only words I could find: “God hold me up. God help me.” That’s all I had in my bank to take to Him in prayer. But in these last two weeks I’ve also experienced something remarkable that is new and fascinating. I have shared on social media what is going on in my life. I’m very fortunate to have many friends and family that believe in the power of prayer. During this time that I’ve only been able to mutter a few words to God, I truly have been able to *feel* the prayers of others. Yes, this makes no sense. I‘d love to talk with others that have ‘felt‘ this to get a better description. I wouldn’t call it a peacefulness, because I’m not at peace with anything that’s happening, but I can feel an upholding of my soul. (Promise I’m still sane.) I feel God’s presence through the words of others. So difficult to put into words, but so thankful I experienced it.
I didn’t work the last 2 nights. I struggle with taking time off when I’m not really sick. Mentally, physically and emotionally I’m completely exhausted. I’ve messaged the oncologist in hopes of getting in sooner than this upcoming Friday (5 days away). Certainly once he sees the PET scan results he will want to see me sooner and start treatment ASAP.
I despise thinking about this every minute of every day. I’m so overwhelmed. And scared.
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