May 11, 2021
My world was turned upside down yesterday afternoon. I read my biopsy results online, by myself, and learned I have cancer. I only know the name of it, Follicular Lymphoma. I know nothing about the oncology world. I'm waiting for my doctor to call me to tell me more, anything, something about FL. It's noon and I've not heard from her. I call the receptionist. "Can you please leave a message for Dr. H to call me? I read yesterday I have cancer and I really want to talk to her." Yes, she would leave a message. This really feels imperative to me but not to anyone else.
2:00 pm Crickets regarding anyone calling. I send a message via my online chart: Is anyone in the office? I just learned yesterday I have cancer. Can Dr. H please call me ASAP? Surely there's got to be neon lights blinking in my chart by now for someone to check it.
4:30 pm The doctor calls. "I see that you have read the results. I'm very sorry this happened to you that you received this news while you were home by yourself." I must still be in a state of shock because all I want to know is when I can get into oncology and get this figured out. I have no recollection of asking for details about this type of cancer. She's very apologetic and wanting me to be seen ASAP. I can get an appointment in 3 days.
I briefly mention to her that my knee is still bothering me from a strain while walking 2 weeks ago, but I'm seeing my physical therapist. (She was aware of this from my "What is this thing in my neck" visit.) She asks if I need anything. Answers. I really need answers because I don’t know what’s going on.
May 13, 2021
This knee pain is getting the best of me. I'm an avid outdoor walker and going to local lakes and trails is my jam. In the last 2 weeks, my walking distances have gone from 6-8 miles a day, to today...a mere 1 mile and I'm in excruciating pain. I keep pushing it. That's what I do with everything in my life. Suck it up. Push harder. Don't stop. Also walking is my therapy, my coping, my Vitamin D time, my prayer time, my get away time. It's the backbone of my existence. It keeps me strong. But man, this pain is terrible. I decide to mow my lawn because I need my mind occupied by *something.* I'm trimming the back yard by the fence, my knee just keeps popping and hurting. I stepped down, noticed my heel was out further than a normal step, 3 pops and sharp stabbing pain. Holy crap. I can't walk. I can't stand. I'm holding onto the fence to keep me upright. Tears are streaming down my face. Suck it up. Finish trimming the yard. I literally can't move. The pain is so sharp. It's ripping into my calf. I'm going to have to call Evan out of school to drag me off this hill. Suck. It. Up. And. Finish. How are you going to fight cancer if you’re this weak. Where I get the strength to do things sometimes surprises even myself. I somehow finished trimming with more tears, and then mowed the whole lawn.
Phone rings. It's the doctor. "Hi Robyn, I'm just checking on how you are doing."
I'm doing really shitty, ok? (Cue crying) My knee is killing me, my calf feels like it's split in half, you didn't call me for 24 hours after I read that test result, I'm not sleeping, all I'm doing is crying. That's how I'm doing. Really fucking bad actually. She's concerned about a blood clot in my leg. I don't have a fucking blood clot. Wait, for how this week is going, I probably do. She wants to schedule an ultrasound of my calf yet this afternoon. I'm stammering, crying. I can't believe I'm talking to my doctor like this. I agree to get the ultrasound done in an hour. She says she'll give me whatever I want for sleep. I don't want anything. I just want this all to go away. I feel myself actively losing my shit.
I got the ultrasound done. The tech said (thankfully), "These won't be urgent results, your doctor should call you tomorrow." As a nurse I clearly interpret this as there is no clot, otherwise the doctor would be contacting me today.
You have new test results. I’m growing to cringe seeing this notification.
Yes, the ultrasound results show no clot. But…there’s enlarged lymph nodes noted in both groins. Why. Is. This. Happening. I’m getting more scared.
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