May 29, 2020
From my social media account:
I'm still trying to absorb the contents of my oncology appt from yesterday. I'm embarking on new emotions, questions, concerns I've never had or felt in my life. We started off by the dr telling me he spoke with Ortho and yes, surgery is not in my immediate future. Treatment for the lymphoma needs to happen. I've never lived with chronic pain. It's consuming. It's just stupid. But what can I do about it. Nothing. Not a frickin thing. Suck it up. Ugh. Angry about this. Really not happy at all.
Next we discussed the scan. I asked if I could see it. I knew it would be bad based on the summary I had read from the radiologist's report. Knowing it would be bad and seeing what was on the screen literally took my breath away. I'll attach the photo. Truly disbelief. As you can see, basically the only thing clear from neck to groin is my lungs. (Pink and highlights is where the lymphoma is) Well I guess it could be worse, I could have it in my lungs. Lots of tears began here. Actually ugly crying. This is hard. Really freakin hard to see, to listen to, to comprehend. This doesn't seem real. Remember, I feel physically fine, my body is ravaged with this, but you wouldn't know it looking at me. How can this be happening. I'm crying as I type this. I don't want to participate in what I'm being told anymore. Being told what I'm doing. That's what my calendar shows. He did give me the option of getting a port or not. HOLY CRAP. I have an option. Heck no I don't want a port. I'm not getting a port til I want a port!!! I'm honestly so excited about that. I don't need another reminder in my chest of what is going on.( so please don't tell me I should get a port....I'll get it when I want 🙂 So, I start chemo Tuesday. And again Wednesday. I'm getting a second medicine also Tuesday (I don't remember the name or the category of med it is, I remember by simple terms, which thank God he used) This med will stick onto cancer cells and be marked for other cells to know to go get these and kill them. Sweet. Kill away!! But, "you more than likely will have a reaction right away when they start it. Hot, chills, tightness in your chest, a feeling that something is really wrong." I stared at him with the well known "I am looking at you and killing you with my eyes look" and said....well this sounds fucking fabulous. Insert more crying. So, then the nurse will slow it down. I'm slotted for 8 hours for the infusion. What part of any of this doesn't suck. Ugh. I'm struggling with moving out from under the cloud of all this crap. Usually the first day is awful after hearing bad news, the second day I start to bounce back. It's a flat basketball of a bounce today.
So. There. Blech. Nothing with the "let's roll" or my inserting of humor tonight. Please pray for me to be at peace with what I have to do. Accept it and move forward. I mean I have to, I just want to not feel so freakin crappy mad and sad about it. I guess I need to remember that this lymphoma can have a good prognosis. Reality is it's Stage 4. But, sometime soon I hope to focus on looking towards a remission.
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
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