Update:I rang the bell!!

I finished my 6th, and last 2 day rounds of chemo in October, 21. It took hindsight after several months to recognize how mentally and physically drained I was. I had continued to work full time as a Critical Care Transport nurse, two shifts a week of active transport, and one ‘office’ day.

I had a new medical issue rear it’s ugly head. I had never experienced anxiety before. It hit head on, and knocked me down, hard.

Thankfully I was offered to see an Oncology psychologist earlier in the summer to help cope with life having cancer. Lauren was a God send. Having a person you can share everything with is priceless. I spent hours on telehealth crying to her. *HOURS* I abruptly took 2 weeks off of work because I was so anxious and questioned, out of the blue, if I was capable of doing my job. I suddenly lost all confidence in myself, I was scared to hear our dispatch radio a call. What if I didn’t know what to do?! I had been a nurse (at that time) for 27 years. I was working in my dream job. I was flying in helicopters, airplanes and picking up sick kids in the ambulance also. But now, sheer panic had set in. I honestly don’t know where the anxiety came from, outside of (now, looking back) completely using up every last bit of energy I had in my brain and my body to function…and I had nothing left in my tank to take care of myself.

But I finished chemo. What did I learn from chemo? It’s poison in your body. Just messes everything up. I questioned if I’d ever not be nauseous again. My joints hurt so bad. So so bad. My energy was zapped. Everything was zapped from me. I’m glad I didn’t get a port. I now know, if I need to do chemo again…I will get a port. I wasn’t ready for it then. I would be now. My veins were trashed in my hands and arms. I once was an easy lab draw, now it was praying they could get it by the 3rd stick. I had one dose infiltrate in my hand. It was so painful. For weeks. I got stenosis (hardening and thickening) of the veins in that hand. It was completely off limits for anything useful.

I now had to wait 6 ish weeks to have a ‘end of treatment‘ PET scan. The oncologist was very hopeful for remission. I wasn’t holding my breath. Although, I had no physical places I could touch and feel it anymore.